aeryn

This is my Sunday

I woke up feeling good. I woke up feeling happy. I woke up feeling joyful. I woke up to dancing. I woke up to music.

This is my Sunday and this is how I started my day.

And it's like a big wow moment for me.

Content: Maybe this is a bit intense + Mental health + THE 3 letter word (triggers me 🤷‍♀️)

Reasons

Because usually I wake up straight into depression and anxiety. That's how every day starts. And I spend hours crawling out of that pit, every day.

And it makes me realise just how hard these recent months and years have been. Because I remember a time when this wasn't my daily grind. At least not every single day.

I have my neurodiversity, I have my diagnoses, I have my disorders. And I've spent many years learning how I work, how my mind works. How to look after myself.

I spent a very long time trying to fix myself. Until I realised I should probably stop doing that.

And now currently where I am. I think, it’s a kind of a place of acceptance. Where I realise I’m doing everything I can. I already am. And if there’s more, if there is healing ahead, if there are better times ahead, it’s got more to do with something bigger than me – God – than it has to do with me.

The idea that I need to be more, is 100% coming from some kind of self-help, new age, non-dual, religious authoritarianism, culty, delusional, corporate culture bullshit. My bullshit. That I claimed for my own.

None of that is helping me.

So I’m just gonna leave it with God now. That higher power that I came to believe had somehow forgotten me.

I’ve used that word two times now. I am cringing.

Chaotic world

I have to remember that I’m in an environment, not a closed system of Self. It’s an environment that I have very little control over, ultimately. The control I have is temporary, ephemeral, borrowed, imaginary.

And that environment – this world, this culture, this human condition, is in so many ways, very unhealthy.

So, no wonder life has been difficult. No wonder life is difficult for so many of us.

I know what’s not good for me. And yet I find myself compulsively taking part regardless. Because. Reasons.

Waves hand at world.

All I can do is my best. And celebrate these small miracles. Like waking up in the morning and feeling joy.

I can’t help the way I am. I can’t change the way I am. But I do believe that opportunities arrive every day. And all I have to do is say yes. Yes to growth, yes to healing, yes to kindness, yes to compassion, yes to something greater than me.

Life is hard. And I’m not gonna shy away from talking about it.

But also life is good

Small things are amazing. I don’t need to chase the big stuff. I don’t need to chase other peoples dreams. Miracles occur every level.

Maybe I need to stop trying to tiptoe and reach over the wall and instead turn around and see what a beautiful life I already live in. A garden of dark places, but also of great beauty.

Small things

#posts