Slowing down for Autumn
After a super-intense and hectic Summer I’m drawing a line in the sand and calling it done.
The summer is done.
I need to find myself again. I have to slow down. I have to.
At last, things are easing up a little.
I’m pleased to report that Mum has just returned home after being in the hospital for a couple of months. And it’s a big relief to see her recovering from this episode. To have her back again.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about what’s happened to her and around her this summer. But I want to look forward and move forward.
I want to change my focus back towards myself again. I want to get my life back. But first I have to find myself.
I got lost. And life passed me by.
I’m behind on everything. I’m exhausted. A bit retraumatised. Isolated. Feeling self-abandoned. Isolated from community.
All my projects, creative things, photography, home improvements. Money. I had to let it all go.
There were some scary moments. Lost time. Weeks have screamed past. Resources have been wiped out.
I am a completely different person.
I want to find my creativity again. I want to go out in nature. I want to be out there with my camera. And I want to be exploring with my pens and paints.
This summer taught (trained) me to be productive by necessity. To learn new survival skills. To be in service for someone else. To be flexible to demands.
I’m not just talking about my Mum’s situation. But it’s been a year of Stuff.
All Summer, I have been dealing with, or getting through the latest thing or person that came along to insert itself into my day, or week. With no compromises offered. Just demands from the weather, people, situations, expenses, physical disablement (temporary I hope).
My physical mobility has become difficult. And I’ve been carrying on even when I couldn’t walk properly, making it worse.
I have learned even better self-care. I realised through necessity that I had to look after myself more carefully than ever. So that I could show up. So that I wouldn’t bomb out again. And become my own situation.
I made it through. But it has been a Shitshow. But I made it through. I made it. I’m still here. And I’m doing ok.
And now it’s time to slow down. It feels like I have to. But it’s time.
Like the eclipse was a bookmark at the end of The Intensity. I feel different since.
I’ve begun saying No. I’ve started carving space for myself again. Not selfishly. But because I have to. And I have a chance to.
I’m reclaiming time. I’m leaving voicemails unlistened. I’m blocking my calendar with “creativity”, or “day off”. My phone on Do Not Disturb for entire days.
The world can just fuck off for a bit, to be honest.
I’m not on strike. Things are just changing.
I just need to find myself again. I need some time. Some space. And a bit of magic.
Autumn feels like that.
I’m really looking forward to the cooler weather; slower, darker days; Autumnal smells and colours; and the gradual wind down for winter.
It’s my favourite time of the year. Through to Winter. I love it.