nostfest
I feel very nostalgic recently, while at the same time really introspective with some heavy stuff that’s welling up..
Some recent things
Yellowjackets
I’ve been watching Yellowjackets. And I got to the end of season one last night after watching about five episodes in a row. I did not expect to like this show. It was supposed to be something I could put on in the background whilst I did whatever. But it hooked me. And wow. I can’t wait to begin season two.
Mixtape
I started playing a game called Mixtape last week. It’s really cute and fun. A different kind of game. Kind of just more like an experience or an interactive movie or something. It had me grinning from ear to ear and vibing hard to the music.
The 90s
The 90s happened recently. So it seems. Where did the last thirty years go?
So Yellowjackets, Mixtape. These have got me feeling super-nostalgic and a bit melancholy for times past.
And I’ve been digging into old music that I haven’t heard in a long time. Radio songs that I never added to my collection before.
Neuro-spiciness
The last few months have been really hard for my mental health. The things I have struggled with in my life internally have been magnified. I feel like I’m regressing, devolving.
I know it’s just a thing I’m going through. And it will pass, change at some point. But what’s different this time is some kind of exhaustion with trying to deal with it all. Like, I’ve been “doing the work” for decades and I don’t know what else I can do at this point.
So, ordinary life has been very difficult.
In a world where we are seemingly being pushed into ever greater spirals of creativity, productivity, success, and projecting some kind of image of “everything is okay”, I would love to just live at the baseline level that mainstream says is normal.
But for whatever reason, that’s not for me. I’m living in the realm of feeling, sensitivity, introspection. On the edge of trauma, in a traumatising world.
Ha ha. Listen to me. I’m so deep.
I am trying to get some help. But since 2020 that has been quite difficult to get.
(Anti)social
I’ve been stepping away from social spaces. Both online and offline.
It’s not really a deliberate thing. It’s just been happening anyway over the last few months.
And so for online stuff I just decided to actually take a break. To really acknowledge what’s already happening.
It’s not a hard break. I’m not making it a Thing. But even wholesome spaces online are unbearable sometimes. I can’t take part in it. I can’t read it. And I can’t be in it. In the same way that I can’t watch horror movies anymore, or listen to the news.
Because I find myself getting sucked into it all. And without really realising what’s happening, I find myself trying to morph opinions, or personality into something that I think will fit in with whatever narrative is playing at the time. Trying to align with the loudest voices.
I'm not doing this deliberately of course.
I realise how impressionable I am. I have to be really careful. Because the more I take part in it, the less like me I feel. And it feels really bad. Really, really bad.
Creativity
I have been quietly creative. I’m still taking photos occasionally.
I began thinking about sending out another newsletter with my photos. Maybe I’ll get that done soon.
I think I need creative solitude. I think my creativity seems to only flow when I’m not consuming what others have made.
I don’t mean the handful of arty blogs that I follow. But just the general social landscape. The grind. The creator economy. The hustle. It literally sucks life out of art.
I don’t know if social media is squashing my creative flow. I don’t know who I’m creating for anymore.
And I think that’s a big problem.
Kids and getting older
Both my kids are adults now. I’ve been a parent for more than 20 years.
I can’t believe how fast that time has gone.
It’s honestly the best thing I’ve ever done. The best experience I’ve ever had. The most fulfilling and beautiful way to live.
Being a parent is very hard. But it’s very worth it. I love them so much. And I’m so proud of them.
The last couple of years has been a big change. I’ve needed to let go of being the parent of small kids. I feel like I’ve been slow to keep up with them and to understand that their needs change faster than I do. I guess that’s natural.
It’s not about me. It’s about what I can give them. What I can give of myself.
I’ve gone through times feeling rejected by them. I’ve seen them come to the realisation that I don’t have all the answers. That I’m an idiot just like everyone else. And it’s been really hard to transition from someone who is responsible for telling a child what to do, to supporting and guiding them in making their own choices, to trusting them to live their own lives.
Of course it’s never that simple. They are growing fast.
But I’m really grateful to realise how close we are. That maybe I did ok. I made a lot of mistakes of course. And I can always do better. But I feel like we've got a good relationship.
We all made it through the first twenty years. And now our family is changing into something else.
Writing
I’ve really enjoyed writing this. And I hope to do it a bit more often. I have a couple of draft posts that I’ve written over the last few weeks. I don’t know if I will publish them or delete them. We shall see.
But it does really help to write things out. Somehow, it being on a public blog is more helpful to me right now. It’s been quite a long time since I last journaled in any consistent way.