Just trying to be a real person
This is my journal and I am a normal fucked up person.
Content warning for honesty and mental health.
These last few weeks have been really tough. And I have no idea how to cope with all that’s happening.
The only strategy I have is to not cope. To let it fall apart. To let myself have these breakdowns.
To allow myself to be me.
In a world where Me is not enough. Somehow we have arrived at a point in our evolution where being someone else is most desirable.
I feel it. I spend so much of my time wanting to be someone else. That person over there with friends. This person over here with money. The friend who has a nice partner. The relative who has a nice home.
It’s endlessly tiring. And I do all I can to remind myself that somehow, this is what is meant to be. I am meant to be me. I am meant to be exactly who I am, where I am, and how I am.
Even if that’s hard.
Life is hard. I don’t believe there are any people out there who are honestly not suffering. In some way.
Anyway..
Hm.
The dental
I feel like I’m finally getting over this latest dental episode. And I’m finally feeling like my mouth is 90% healed from the trauma of an extraction that had complications.
It’s not my first extraction. But I hope it’s my last. It’s by far the worst. And the most prolonged episode of pain I have ever experienced.
I have been way up there at a solid 10 with pain in the past. A few times. And again, this was a 10.
But it stayed there for days. And days. And it only improved very slowly.
I feel like it changed me. I do feel like the experience of that has changed my attitude to self care. And a kind of self compassion has risen up inside of me.
I don’t know.
It was traumatic, is what I’m saying. And exhausting. It seems to have taken a lot out of me.
Mum
Being that that this is the internet. I’m going to too be intentionally vague with the personal information of another person.
I really miss her.
She went into hospital a few weeks ago, and has really been waiting that entire time for appropriate care. Because she was waiting in a unit not designed for people with her needs.
Some key information about her well being were overlooked and some of the staff were somehow completely unaware of her situation.
She was moved to a different unit yesterday that is appropriate. And I’m hoping so much that she gets better.
I really miss her and am feeling generally heart broken, honestly.
People
I’m still getting out to community. I’m finding it very hard. And it’s using up a lot of my spoons.
Just getting out of my home to go for a walk is exhausting.
Being around people is exhausting.
I’m finding I am crashing a lot more than usual. And needing to spend a lot of time curled up on my bed with the lights off, just to get over doing something simple like going up to the village for a bit of shopping.
The world is toooo much.
And I find myself wanting to escape. Every day, I just want to tap out.
I won’t. But I am just telling the truth here. It’s on my mind a lot.
I think that’s me done.
A note for readers
This is my online journal. And as such, does not need commenting or correcting.
But I do appreciate and enjoy people reaching out in solidarity, or comradeship.
I do not need fixing, or rescuing.
I just need friends. That’s all.
This is not a vague-post, a pointed statement designed to target someone. I just feel like it needs saying. In this bullshit world where everyone is an armchair philosopher/therapist/life coach.
Please do reach out. I love to chat and share stories.