A solitary creature
I’m a solitary creature but recently I came to realise I’m a bit lonely. I have thought about it before but always came to the conclusion that it’s just a sign of the times.
When the world is so fractured and everyone is at war it’s no wonder I feel alone. It’s no wonder we all do.
Except there’s a bunch of people who don’t. People seem to come together and bond in tribalism.
And there are people who don’t really take part in that.
In my spiritual community people have been talking about an upcoming two world split. And it’s pretty obvious that’s what we are seeing now.
But we didn’t know what it would look like. How it would actually feel. And it feels pretty fucking terrible to be honest.
But the worst part of it – in a way – is that I can’t take part in it.
Because there’s another Two World split. A real one. And it’s not about a war. It’s not about tribalism.
It’s about not taking part in that.
And it feels really weird to talk about it. It’s not about being apart from it. It’s not about being above it. It’s not about some bullshit notion of being neutral.
It’s about: I can’t do this any more.
I can’t take part in war.
I am unable.
I’ve been doing my work. I’ve been learning and growing. I’ve been humbled, over and over.
It’s a journey of course. A continuous evolution. But I look back and I feel like I’ve come to a place for a moment.
And I’ve come to a place not where I am empowered in the traditional sense. Not in the self-improvement sense. But in some deeper more authentic, real way.
Empowered to say No. No, I cannot. You cannot recruit me.
It’s not who I am. I can’t hate anyone. I can’t deny anyone. I can’t cancel anyone. I don’t know who the good guys are. Or the bad guys.
I don’t know. And I don’t want to choose.
All I know is we are on some collective runaway train. It’s almost out of control. And there’s no getting off.
But what is sure, is it’s going somewhere. And it will get there. We will get there.
The only thing is. In the meantime. This is fucking lonely.
There’s no other word for it. There’s no fixing it either.
All I can do is remember to stay connected. Remember this is bigger than me. And remember I am not lost, or forgotten.
I have myself and my loved ones. I have my connection. And I have God.
I don’t like typing that word. I’m not religious. But I was. And religion has sullied it. Made it a part of war.
Whatever it’s called. It’s there for me. It means I’m never alone.