To Just Stay Awake

It’s been a massively intense day for me. But I’m still showing up for life.

I am finding more than ever that my awareness practice is becoming more important to me than ever before.

I signed up for a course recently about presence and awareness. I signed up before I realised exactly what it was. I think the course synopsis was a little on the vague side.

But it’s doing me a lot of good. It’s helping me to truly deepen awareness, and presence with myself.

This practice is not new to me. But it’s something I had drifted away from a little bit in some ways since the whistleblower event last year, when I lost faith in a whole bunch of spiritual things. It had become a little shallow. I was being called to go much deeper. And I was resisting that.

What I’m finding is it’s simply taking me deeper than ever. It helps to get a different perspective on it from a different teacher. And to learn their own practice.

The part I’m struggling with right now is just how much my mind wants to grab onto it. As an antidote to problems. I sometimes notice I am using the practice to escape. But at least I am noticing that too.

But almost every day I practice it brings that clarity, the peace, the connectedness back. And it doesn’t undo anything. It doesn’t stop the feelings. It is about accepting the feelings. It is about allowing my own mess. My messy mind, my messy life, this messy world. It doesn’t deny any of it or try to fix any of it.

But through that clarity, I can see my options better. And I get to see where my mind is creating disaster scenarios that have little basis in reality.

Honestly this world is so very intense. And it’s just gonna get stronger. All I want is to remain awake through it, no matter what happens. Because I feel like I am two very different people at the same time. One whom is going through the wringer, and a higher version of me that is watching it all whilst supporting and loving me through it all. It’s quite strange right now. I just want to feel whole. And this is helping despite how weird I feel most days.

What it’s bringing me is a more real sense of compassion for myself an others. Not that kind of fake, forced, learned compassion, but I really feel it.

Up next About This Website If anyone is reading this. Here are some notes about this blog, the platform that hosts it, and how to navigate it, and subscribe. this blog is Two Odd Things But two very odd things happened today. One thing was that someone asked me a very simple question and I got hugely triggered. Just internally. I
Latest posts I’m really looking forward to Autumn! Confusion Rabbit Hole Plastic Soul (lyric- Arcade Fire) Preview of my new Blot Template A String of Miracles In Years to Come Lone Wolf PodVlog Blot Notes Life Reviews and Assessments PodVlog on Being Me This is a test post Little People Wham on Netflix Fluffy Clouds - when I was a kid I used to imagine seeing lands and mountains in the clouds, places in the sky maybe I could go for real Trees Leaning Over Me Comment I left on "Mr. Beast's Transgender Agenda" (A Viewer Requested Video) by Daniel Batal I recorded a short-ish vlog a couple days ago I watched Paris, Texas last night. It was amazing! Was Powder/Jynx Borderline? changes.. Accepting My Disabilities Substack Feature Creep One Year Later How to Subscribe to Some Days I Really, Really Do Not Want to Be Trans Ulysses and Blot Two Odd Things To Just Stay Awake About This Website Whistleblowers Came Forward Latte Spirit - I found this little critter after I stirred my latte Latte Spirit

© Aeryn North 2023. All rights reserved.