To Just Stay Awake

It’s been a massively intense day for me. But I’m still showing up for life.

I am finding more than ever that my awareness practice is becoming more important to me than ever before.

I signed up for a course recently about presence and awareness. I signed up before I realised exactly what it was. I think the course synopsis was a little on the vague side.

But it’s doing me a lot of good. It’s helping me to truly deepen awareness, and presence with myself.

This practice is not new to me. But it’s something I had drifted away from a little bit in some ways since the whistleblower event last year, when I lost faith in a whole bunch of spiritual things. It had become a little shallow. I was being called to go much deeper. And I was resisting that.

What I’m finding is it’s simply taking me deeper than ever. It helps to get a different perspective on it from a different teacher. And to learn their own practice.

The part I’m struggling with right now is just how much my mind wants to grab onto it. As an antidote to problems. I sometimes notice I am using the practice to escape. But at least I am noticing that too.

But almost every day I practice it brings that clarity, the peace, the connectedness back. And it doesn’t undo anything. It doesn’t stop the feelings. It is about accepting the feelings. It is about allowing my own mess. My messy mind, my messy life, this messy world. It doesn’t deny any of it or try to fix any of it.

But through that clarity, I can see my options better. And I get to see where my mind is creating disaster scenarios that have little basis in reality.

Honestly this world is so very intense. And it’s just gonna get stronger. All I want is to remain awake through it, no matter what happens. Because I feel like I am two very different people at the same time. One whom is going through the wringer, and a higher version of me that is watching it all whilst supporting and loving me through it all. It’s quite strange right now. I just want to feel whole. And this is helping despite how weird I feel most days.

What it’s bringing me is a more real sense of compassion for myself an others. Not that kind of fake, forced, learned compassion, but I really feel it.