Building Instead of Fixing

It’s Monday afternoon 20th of February, 3 pm-ish and I’m sitting here with my bum on the ground next to a pond in the park. I’m contemplating what’s been going on for me the last few weeks.

It’s been a shit show.

I don’t know how to formulate my thoughts on the matter because this is about spirituality, this is about spiritual practice and how my mental health relates with that.

I had this amazing January where I truly felt like I was in the flow of life and although none of my usual problems went away — there was still suffering, there was still pain, there was still confusion, there are still disabilities. I found myself in a new place, in a new space inside myself, where I felt more connected on a daily basis than I ever have done.

It started in December and it lasted until just before the end of January. It stopped and from there I’ve had about three weeks of feeling completely lost again. But yet having had this amazing experience where despite all the usual difficulties of life, I felt guided. I felt like I was self-guided. I felt like I was okay. I feel like everything would be okay.

And I remember that these are feelings and truths that I used to have a couple of years ago. Even in my darkest moments I was meditating and tapping in on a daily basis. Every day I was committed to just connecting and finding out what was going on for me, what was next, how I could show up. But these were for the most part just during meditation.

In January this was happening all day long, every day, with a few exceptions. And in February I felt like I’d lost it all.

And so I think what I’m realising today after a frankly horrendous weekend of depression, and intensely dark thoughts is that I’ve drifted away from purposefully and intentionally connecting. I’ve drifted away from purposefully and intentionally showing up, and in that way I’ve drifted away from self-empowerment.

I think that’s my big a-ha moment today. It’s that I had kind of forgotten about empowerment. I have kind of forgotten that is this is my life to live, this is my life to create as I see fit. And it’s not that I’ve done anything wrong, it’s just that the the kind of healing/release side of spirituality, the feminine side of spirituality has been my focus. And the masculine side of spirituality is what I’ve always struggled with. And in January I did feel empowered, I did have hope, I felt like everything was okay. I felt that I had it within me to carry on. And it feels that February was asking me the question- What will you do with this? Will you show up for this?

So it’s all very confusing, but I have been helping myself. I have been showing up for myself in a small way and I gonna keep expanding on that. I want to keep showing up for myself, just as I show up for others.

So a few days ago I signed up for a course. And I think I have found it difficult to engage this course because it’s been directly addressing some of the issues that I’ve talked about above. Where the response, the internal response, the guidance I received has been all about empowerment and making choices, and choosing, taking responsibility. All the kind of things that I drifted away from somehow.

I mean not in a bad way. I didn’t drift away in a bad way. It wasn’t wrong I just had another focus. I had a lot of stuff to release, and I have been releasing and I’ve grown a lot. But it’s time to do something with it. I think it’s time to make a choice, it’s time to choose what’s next. But not from my suffering state. It’s time to choose from a deeper place, a.more authentic place. A place that wants to build instead of fix.

I like that- building instead of fixing.

So this is my blog for today and I’ve just dictated it to my phone so I’ll tidy it up later and post it I hope.