These revelations have been very distressing. Over the last few weeks I’ve personally experienced a very intense level of grief and psychosis as I’ve come to accept the truth in these allegations. I’ve been following BM for a long time and the teachings he shares have helped me greatly: foundational in my post-Christian spiritual journey.
Unfortunately I am finding that the man is very much ‘mixed in’ to my practices and realisations. It seems somehow he himself is part of my psychosis. I unconsciously am still holding him up on a pedestal and he’s living rent free in my mind.
But this is one of my patterns I have done with many people in my life. I was using the self realisation path as a way out of facing my stuff. Of avoiding loving myself. Now I feel like even though I am still very much feeling the self realisation calling, what that means to me now is that I want to actually learn how to love myself and love being human too. Maybe I was only ever supposed to go so far with it. I don’t know.
I can see how self-realisation is a breeding ground for all kinds of bs. I have faced that inside of me and I am facing it right now.
For now, fuck spirituality 😊. I’m ready to fall in love with me. But these blockages-with-a-bentinho-voice keep coming up from inside me saying ‘drop your stories’, ‘none of this is real’, ‘don’t play the victim’ etc. It’s sooooo yucky.
Eh. This sucks so much.
My love and deep respect for all that have fallen victim to these teachers, or modalities, or groups, or relationships. We didn’t do anything wrong. We were innocent! We got mixed up in the darker side of something that is actually beautiful. Spiritual growth is really beautiful. I hope we can find that again and not allow other people to become ‘god’ in our minds 💜
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