I think I will be gone for months. Maybe forever. I don’t know. It felt good to decide to do it. But as I was doing it, I felt quite a lot of grief and feeling small. I felt like maybe I was returning to my old patterns, isolating myself, running away.

I guess I’ll find out.

Today has been a breakdown day from the moment I woke up. Feeling the weight of the world on my heart the moment I opened my eyes. And then my hot water went down again too. It was faulty yesterday but I imagined it might fix itself overnight. The engineer has put a temporary fix until he can get a part for the boiler. But I have no hot water for a day or so. Thankfully the heating is ok.

Part of me asks what does it all mean?”, how did I attract this?”. It doesn’t need to mean anything. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. It’s just the way the world works. Things break.

It’s just a faulty boiler.

Today is a day for gentleness. I’m learning gentleness. I’ve been very tough on myself, holding myself to impossibly high standards.

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